“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.