Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Breaking news:
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”