NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.