Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top