When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone