[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician