I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.