If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*