me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.