Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Who chose this font
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.