[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The smoothest fall of all time
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
okay run it by me one more time
When he asks for feet pics
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.