Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
You Might Also Like
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.