The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
You Might Also Like
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.