We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag