We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”![]()
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing