Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Wasps: bees, but not helping
nice challenge
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.