Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.