I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned


9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.


A couple who are silly together stay together.


COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?


I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.


BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard


The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.


My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.


Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!