@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

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@siddo471

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@haze103

A couple who are silly together stay together.

@joejwest

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@Fred_Delicious

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

@JohnLyonTweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

@MisterABK

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?