I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah