@Weird_Rash
@AnOrangeSNES Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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@AnOrangeSNES 
@edgarrants The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
@GingerHotDish Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
@jakelikesnaps [Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
@Brampersandon_ *takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
@slender_sherbet Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
@JohnLyonTweets *watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
@peteholmes “When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
@DaveWeasel If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
@internetluke [vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere