@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

@edgarrants

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

@GingerHotDish

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

@jakelikesnaps

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@JohnLyonTweets

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@DaveWeasel

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere