serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.