you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!