you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.