you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*hit man puts on silencer*
Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive
“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.