host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Pretty much! 😂👀
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
It’s a gift
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Breaking news:
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.