I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.