What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Oh. My. God.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.