Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.