Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I might carry a baby with one hand.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Wait for it
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
United Steaks of America
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!