I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.