They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.