ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You Might Also Like
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.