A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana