I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
You Might Also Like
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Breaking news:
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.