INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Mad Max Arctic Road
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Beauty and the Beast
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.