I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Investing in beetcoin
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties