I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.