Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I support this random dude and all his protests
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.