#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.