Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
What a website
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.