Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.