These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
cats when you pet them too long:
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.