Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.