I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You Might Also Like
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car