I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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This rocks
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.