Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in