I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.