Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Well, my evening plans are ruined
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.