Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
You Might Also Like
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself