Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”