Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
no such thing as a dumb question
Teach your children to beatbox
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: