Where is your GOD now????
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals