If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
What about a To-Don’t List?
Meeeee too!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.