Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
my fav colour is also hitler
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Simple
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?