[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Kermit goes Blue.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends