When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great