A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.